To Be A Mother...

Mother's Day has been very special to me, since two May's ago when I was anticipating the arrival of my sweet little boy, who I didn't even know was a boy yet. I can still remember that day so clearly...

That was one of the first times we got Kennison's hair up in a pony. Seriously, how cute? But I digress. Mother's Day, I think, has the tendency to make me feel a little too important, longing to be a little too coddled. I found myself begrudging Jack's tantrums, sighing while walking to the refrigerator to get him another cup of milk, annoyed at another dirty diaper to change. All of the mundane tasks of mommyhood got under my skin, unit I got online, and started thinking about how thankful I am to get to do those mundane things everyday, Mother's Day included.

I thought about a couple I know who struggled with infertility for years before being blessed with a miracle baby who was called Home by Jesus at his birth. And who were sharing this Mother's Day with bittersweet memories of their son while holding their newly adopted daughter across the country.

I thought about my mommy friend whose thought she'd be enjoying the kicks of her baby this Mother's Day, but instead must rest in the knowledge that her baby now lives with his maker.

I thought about my sweet friend who lost her mother while we were in college, and what Mother's Day must feel like to her and her family.

As I rocked Jack before bed on Mother's Day evening, I thanked God for the mundane tasks of motherhood. And I held him a little tighter.

And after waking to the news of sweet Kayleigh's passing yesterday, I felt thankful again. Last night, I rocked Jack into a deep sleep, something I rarely do, and then rocked him some more. I held him tighter still, feeling my second son kicking at his big brother across my lap.

To be a mother... I am ever thankful, ever blessed.

Praise and Joy

All this week I've debated whether or not to write this post. I started it Monday evening the 15th, and have mulled it over and added, deleted, and rewritten it all week long. Some people will likely think that I shouldn't write about it, because it's such a personal subject. I know that no matter what I say my words won't come out right. They won't be as eloquent as I hope, and they won't say exactly the right things. I'm afraid that people will think I'm being dramatic, and maybe I am. But I want to put these thoughts down, because not talking about it is, to me, like pretending like it never happened, and I don't want that. And I want to talk, on paper (or screen as it may be) because that's how I work things out best. So be forewarned- my heart, and my thoughts, are a jumbled mess... and so are my words.

A few days after we returned home from our Thanksgiving trip to FL, I discovered I was pregnant. I had thought I might be, but a previous test came out negative, so I assumed it wasn't so that month. A few days later came the positive test, and Mike and I were obviously excited. I was so happy for Jack to be a big brother, dreaming of a crazy summer, and fulfilled to be creating a new life within me. But it wasn't to be. Saturday morning I began bleeding, and rather than getting better, it only got worse. By Sunday I knew that I had likely lost the baby, and by the time I got to the ultrasound Monday morning, I knew what I would see. 

I read many blogs, mostly written by people I don't know. Through Poppy Joy's blog, I have become a regular reader of a community of women who have lost their infant children, mostly due to the genetic disorder Trisomy 18. Becoming so emotionally involved in the stories of these mothers, I sometimes wondered if God was preparing my heart for the loss of a child. I won't pretend to know the will or acts of God, but perhaps He was. Though the loss of a fetus can't compare to the loss of a child a mother has carried for 9 months and been allowed to hold, these blogs have opened my eyes to the unthinkable and painful aspects of motherhood.

I was called to pray for this baby from even before I knew I was pregnant. I know I prayed for Jack while pregnant with him, but I don't actually specifically remember doing it. This time was different, and I'm so very glad that my baby was covered in prayer during the time that I got to spend with him. (I obviously didn't have the opportunity to know the sex of the baby, but calling it "him" instead of "it" somehow seems right to me.)

I wonder, and maybe I will always wonder, who this baby might have been... what this baby might have been. What I don't wonder is whose this baby was. And in that I take great comfort. He never belonged to me or Mike, but was created and formed by God, and belonged to Him. I am comforted by that, but confused still. Because I believe that life begins at conception, I'm confused as to what that means for a baby who is lost at such a young fetal age in the scheme of eternal life. Does a fetus have a soul? Will we one day be reunited in eternal glory? My heart longs to know these answers, yet I know I probably won't in this life.

I don't do well with grieving. I have real trouble with revealing my emotions, and I don't like to seem weak, even to those I love most. I was able to hold it together long enough for the ultrasound tech to leave the room and to call Mike to let him know the news before crying. And there haven't been many tears. But I'm hurting inside as I grieve for what could have been, what I hoped would be. I grieve for a part of me and Mike that is lost and for Jack becoming a brother, although it is our hope that some day that will happen. And I grieve for silly things, like the fact that this was the last month I could get pregnant to have a baby when I was 25. I know Mike grieves, too, and I hope that we can understand one another's grief.

I found out this evening that an acquaintance of mine's baby was born yesterday without a heartbeat. I don't understand the ways of God, and trust that His will is best, but oh how my heart aches for that family. I can't begin to imagine the magnitude of that loss, and I find myself with a heavy heart after beginning to feel healing this week. Again, I don't want to compare Mike's and my loss to this unthinkable loss, but it can't help but remind me of the intense grief of earlier this week.

So why then the title "Praise and Joy"? It was the title of an email sent to me by my uncle, reminding me of Jesus' birth into a world of sin and death, in atonement for our sins. And indeed praise and joy is an appropriate sentiment and prayer, even when I don't feel that way. A comfort to me this week has been excerpts from Martin Luther's treatise "Comfort For Women Who Have Had a Miscarriage." Although it doesn't answer all of my questions, the following passages especially brought comfort and let me in a direction of prayer.

...these mothers should calm themselves and have faith that God's will is always better than ours, though it may seem otherwise to us from our human point of view.

Because the mother is a believing Christian it is to be hoped that her heartfelt cry and deep longing to bring her child to be baptized will be accepted by God as an effective prayer.

See to it that above all else you are a true Christian and that you teach a heartfelt yearning and praying to God in true faith, be it in this or any other trouble. Then do not be dismayed or grieved about your child or yourself, and know that your prayer is pleasing to God and that God will do everything much better than you can comprehend or desire.

The words and music of an anthem I sang in my college a cappella choir for one Christmas concert has been running through my head. The words speak for themselves (although I'm not entirely sure I'm remembering them correctly).

Stay with us, Lord Jesus, stay with us.

Stay with us, it soon is evening.

Stay with us, Lord Jesus, stay with us

It soon is evening, and night is falling.

Jesus Christ the world's true light

Shine so the darkness cannot overcome it.

Stay with us, Lord Jesus, it soon is evening.

Stay with us, Lord Jesus, for night is falling.

Let you light fill the darkness

And fill your church with it's glory.

I guess maybe that's all I have to say at the moment. God bless you all this Christmas season.

Today was a good day.

Every couple of months or so Jack goes through a very mommy-centric phase. My normally happy, independent boy becomes horrified if I think of leaving his presence for any amount of time, for any reason. I can't fix a cup of coffee in the morning, use the bathroom, answer the front door, or run upstairs to get something that's been forgotten without ear-piercing, frantic  screaming. This goes on All.Day.Long. While I love that we have a great attachment, it can be draining. He's also beginning to test his independence and limits. Taking something away from him results in an arched back and a scream. He's in the place where he is learning to test, but doesn't yet understand consequences so it's hard. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any illusions that discipline later will be easy, but I'm sometimes at a loss for what to do.

I love being a mom. It's the best time of my life. But there are those days that I feel challenged beyond knowing what is the right thing to do.

But today, today was a good day. Jack and his Daddy played this morning and then took a boy's trip to Home Depot to get a few things for the house. Look how cute he is in his hat.

Then, at naptime, which has been a struggle recently, Jack drifted to sleep easily in my arms, and when I came in to check on him, this was the sight I saw. And yes, I risked it to get this sweet picture. And while it wasn't a long nap, it was a peaceful one.

Stay at home mommy

As of last week, I am officially a stay at home mommy. I decided not to go back to teaching, and after summer (when I have camp) I'll be home full-time with Jack. I have mixed emotions. I'm SO excited to get to be with my little guy everyday. I was only working outside our house two days a week, but I missed him terribly when I was gone, and it made things like nursing really hard. But, I love teaching, and I will miss it, too. I'm happy with the decision I made, though, and even happier that Allison will be taking over my job! There will be another Mrs. Friedrich at Christ the King! We had a good week, and here are a few pictures to prove it!

Jack loves to stand, and his pack n play is the perfect place for him to practice on his own. He can stand supporting himself in it for about 10 minutes! It also tastes good! :-)

Jack is big enough for a high chair now! He is getting to be such a big boy!

Jack loves his Daddy

The Friedrich Men- and the little ones in matching outfits. Someday they'll be SOOO embarrassed! Hehe.

Kennison and her mommy

Being a mom...

has changed my life. Duh. But it's changed my life in ways I never would have thought about before. A friend of my from bf group posted a little forward on Mother's Day about how being a mom changes you. So, as I was making Jack some more applesauce and pearsauce tonight (the kid can go though some fruit!) in a quiet house, I got to thinking about my own list. Here goes!



Being a mom has made me...



*make sleep a priority. I never really thought about sleep before I didn't get any.



*care more about the environment. All the sudden I'm looking up chlorine free wipes and cloth diapers. Don't get carried away... I said looking up, we're not ready to make that particular plunge. Apparently, I'm turning "crunchy."



*feel a more intense love than I can even understand.



*pray more.



*worry more.



*laugh more.



*talk for 45 minutes about "that look he just gave me" or "the way he curls his toes up." Like anyone but me cares.



*really think about what I put in my/his body. I never took note of all the crap I ate, and I don't just mean my McDonald's breakfast habit. I mean all the preservatives, etc. in my food. When you think about it... ick!



*feel more thankful than at any other point in my life.



*appreciate my mom and dad in an entirely new way.



*enjoy simple acts that make me feel like I'm a provider- making baby food, spending hours designing Jack's playroom in my mind, and yes, even doing dishes.



*want to make a difference in the world, so that can be the legacy I pass down to my son.



The list could go on and on. But, I'm sure you all have better thinks to do than read my endless rambling. On a side note, Mike is with is family tonight in his grandmother's hospital room. She is not doing well, and may not make it through the night. If you are inclined, pray that God's plan will be carried out, whatever that might be, and that his family have peace in this time.



Now, goodnight! Just kidding, I wouldn't end a post without a picture!

Happy Mother's Day!

to Gigi, Grandma, Momsie, Great-Grandma Friedrich, Great-Grandma Stark, and Great-Grandmother Lingle! What a lucky boy Jack is to have so many wonderful women in his life!

My Mother's Day weekend started early when I received a cookie bouquet at school on Friday from Kennison and Colton. It was too cute, and I got so many compliments on it. It had one little girl cookie and two little boy cookies, for Kennison, Jack and Colton. Thanks to my favorite (and only!) niece and nephew!

This weekend Mike headed down to Springfield for a fraternity alumni thing, so Jack and I went up to Des Moines with Allison & Kenny and crew to visit Allison's parents. I didn't want to spend my first Mother's Day hanging out alone with Jack, and we had a great time! I'm exhausted after the weekend, though, and have so much respect for single mommies. It is hard work to be baby's one and only for days on end! Nana Shelley and Dale were wonderful hosts, and stuffed us full of yummy food all weekend. We went to the downtown farmer's market, played, and just enjoyed the great company.

When we got home tonight, Jack and Mike gave me a cute card and two new Old Navy polo shirts- my favorite! I'm so thankful on my first Mother's Day to have a happy, healthy baby boy, and I can't wait for all the Mother's Days in our future. Being a mom is truly the best thing I could ever imagine. Enjoy some pictures from this weekend!

7 Things

Almost daily, I read a blog called Confessions of a CF Husband. It is the ongoing story of a Nate, his wife Tricia who has Cystic Fibrosis, and their now 9 week old daughter, born 15 weeks premature. It is so uplifting and incredible to keep up with them, I encourage you to look at the blog when you can. My family has been touched by CF- my dad's cousin Gwyneth is a living miracle, although her struggle has been long. Ironically, Tricia and Nate's new baby girl is also named Gwyneth. Recently, Nate posted 7 Things You Might Not Know About Me on his blog, and encouraged readers to do the same. I thought it sounded fun, so I'll give it a whirl for me and Jack!

7 Things You Might Not Know About Me (Tori)

1. My whole life (until college) I thought I would grow up to be a pastor in a Lutheran church. In college I decided I was meant to teach. I also went though phases where I wanted to be: a writer, a college professor, a librarian, a photographer, and a music therapist. Looking at the list, I guess I'm kind of a nerd. Currently, I think it would be great to become a Child Life Specialist for kids in the hospital.

2. I don't like the food on my plate to touch. At all. You know those sectioned plates you get a buffets and school lunches? I am campaigning for sectioned china plates.

3. I've always wanted to visit Africa. Some day I want to do something meaningful to help women and children affected by HIV there.

4. I am a much different mom than I thought I would be. I generally thought I would be pretty go with the flow about my babies. Instead I think I've become kind of a nervous mom. I'm trying to strike a balance.

5. Back to my weird food habits... I eat each different part of my meal one at a time instead of taking bites of many different things. This sometimes even includes my drink.

6. I was born with foot issues. My heel cords weren't long enough, and my feet were turned funny. I wore casts for some of my first year. The doctors told my parents I might not walk. Flash forward to me walking 60 miles in 3 days last year in the Breast Cancer 3 Day. Guess they were wrong.

7. I love school. I would go to school forever if someone would pay for it.

7 Things You Might Not Know About Jack

1. Jack loves hair. He loves to grab it, run his fingers though it, etc.

2. Jack is going to be tall. He is in the 98th percentile for height.

3. Jack hates to have his arms restricted. He didn't like his arms swaddled even in the hospital, and would manage to get them out of the blankets, even when the nurses did it (and they are pros)!

4. Jack has beautiful big blue eyes. They will probably stay that color because Mom and Dad both have blue eyes.

5. Jack knows his name. He looks at you when you call it.

6. Jack loves bananas.

7. Jack is named after his grandfather, who was a great dad to me. Hopefully, one day he will be a great dad too.

Being a mom...

It's hard to explain how being a mom changes you in so many ways. There are some days when I'm home all day with my little guy, and I just crave a minute by myself, to make a sandwich, or take a shower, or just do nothing like I could before. Even when I'm out and Jack's with Mike or a babysitter, life is never the same. I never quite enjoy myself like I once could, worrying, wondering if he's ok. I would be lying if I said that there aren't times when I wish I could have a few minutes free of the responsiblity. Then, at night, after he goes to bed, it's amazing to me how powerful my feelings for him can be- unlike any other I have ever experienced in my life. It's incredible that after being with him all day, he can go to sleep and I miss him, just a room away while I sit in the living room. He's still in our bedroom at night... I keep thinking I'm ready to move him to the nursery, but then somehow I'm just not yet. There are those nights that I go into the bedroom to go to bed and look at him, sleeping so peacefully, and I want to wake him up so I can hold him. (Don't worry, I know better!) My little man continually amazes me. That's all for tonight...